I have never been a social person. I have always been introverted and afraid of people, so it is very hard for me to be the active one in creating and maintaining friendships. I am not someone who can talk or likes to talk, and I can't carry conversations well. I don't like to talk about my feelings, problems and thoughts, even with my best friend. I am not the type to just call or message a person to chitchat, or just be random and constantly keep in touch with people. People just don't like to be around me, and I feel uncomfortable around people.

I get the impression that people think I'm very comfortable with myself, self-absorbed, etc. Truth is, I have very little confidence in myself, and my esteem levels are very low. I'm becoming a bit more accepting of myself but unless they're family and close friends, I don't even dare to look at people in the eye. I tend to walk with my head held low at times. Sometimes when I'm out, people tend to look at me. And even when I leave the house feeling good, the moment people look at me, I immediately feel bad about myself. People are looking at me. I'm really that ugly. They think I'm dressed very badly. They think I'm a freak.

Actually, I like myself. I like my fair skin. I like my dark brown hair. I like that I like staying at home. I like that I like Kpop. I like that I have differing opinions from the mainstream perspectives. I like that I like being alone. I like that I am absolutely comfortable with going to places and doing things alone. I like that I am a low-key person. I like that even close friends probably don't know many things about me.

But at the same time, I really hate myself. I hate my skin. I hate my hair. I hate that I like staying at home. I hate liking Kpop. I hate being different. I hate being alone. I hate going to places and doing things alone. I hate being so low-key. I hate that my friends probably know nothing much about me.

People ask me, why do you still not have a boyfriend? You're turning 20, why are you still single? You need to mix around, be more proactive, steal some spotlight, don't die a virgin. I don't even love myself enough, how am I going to love another? I am so unsure of myself, how am I going to be sure of another, and that he would be sure of me? I am so afraid of others and have never been able to know what I want exactly, how is someone going to be unafraid of wanting me?

I'm not fussy; I don't want Prince Charming. I want someone who genuinely cares for me, someone who I can actually bring myself to trust. I have never been wanted, and never felt wanted. Even if somebody liked me, I would never know because he didn't like me enough to show that he wanted me. And even if I liked somebody, I would never show that I liked him because I know that nobody would want a person like me.

Not just romantically... but in any way?

I'm picking it up a bit, I think. Feeling loved doesn't have to come in great form; I learned from watching and observing others that small actions convey great love.

I recently felt very loved by my siblings... it has been a long time since I feel loved. They were very simple actions but it has really been a long time since I felt this way. I felt warm in my heart, and safe.

My family isn't very affectionate; we love each other but we don't really show it. So I was very happy that moment... because it has been an extremely long time since I felt warm and safe. It has been a long time since I feel loved.

Come to think of it, my self-esteem was really low during my 20 weeks of internship. I have never felt so lousy about myself since my depression in 2006/2007. Those people renewed the hate and digust I had in the society.

Mocking my introversion, the way I cover my mouth when I laugh, how I am always so quiet, my skin tone (it's very fair, yes, I know, JUST FUCKING STOP IT), how I'm so "rich" I always take the premium bus home (just for the last month, urgh), etc. Maybe I was just being sensitive because they seemed like they were just kidding but they had no idea how offended I was. I have been self-concious about some of the things they talked about, and they made me even more uncomfortably self-concious.

And you know what? 2 of them are fucking adults; 24 and 29. The other 2, my age and 20. If mocking others, making racist comments, and being bitchy are what it takes to get along with others well and maintain friendships, forget it. I'd rather remain as the loneliest person in the universe. I have no idea why I gave a damn about them in the first place to affect the way I feel about myself.

Buck was right, age is measured by maturity.

Successfully got my colleague to think twice about getting a dog for his family. ^^

天秤一的代表意象是“完美主义者”。这一周可比喻为人生刚过中间点的时期，此时最重要的课题，就是在人生的特定领域中，以新的决心去完全发挥自我，表现出内在无限的潜力。此处所强调的不仅是自我改进，同时包括生活形态及社交活动的提升。此外，这段时期得留意各种问题，妥善加以处理需要维护的事，千万不要忽略了琐碎的生活小细节。

　　天秤一的这一周，象征成熟的成年人开始发展出更伟大的目标、更优秀的表达能力、更杰出的工作表现、更成功的社交技巧，以及完成长期计画所需有的耐心。理论上来说，他们应该已经可以沉着地面对挑战，已经学会如何更有效地解决人生中各种心理、技术上的障碍，不再像年轻时那般鲁莽、冲动，老是以不成熟的态度待人处世了。

　　这一周出生的人通常非常有魅力，但是在社交活动上又不会太过活跃。这一点可能会引发问题，因为他们虽然很需要站在聚光灯之下，却也需要更多独处的时间。他们之中的有些人可能完全无法和公众生活分开，有些则宁愿放弃社交多的职业，选择较私密、没没无闻的工作。事实上，在这一周出生的人当中，的确有人从事很平凡的工作，然后将自己的全副精力投注在嗜好或休闲活动中。

　　完美主义倾向使得这一周出生的人不管在生活中的哪一方面，都会非常注意细节，总会不时发掘出问题，然后再细心地解决掉。这种凡事求好的心态，反应出他们丰富的学养，以及认定自己能带给周遭的人最好的状态的信念。

　　也是因为这种追求完美的倾向，他们会用要求自己的一套苛刻标准来要求别人。在他们追求完美主义的心灵中，可能从小到大总是觉得自己还不够好，总认为自己有很多不理想的表现。他们也很容易变得吹毛求疵，难与人相处，老是挑人毛病，变得处处惹人厌。在日常生活方面，从办公室到厨房、卧室，他们都安排得井然有序，会尽一切可能去杜绝任何人在任何地方犯错，或有所疏忽。

　　因此，当他们变得会强迫别人、容易冲动时，丝毫不令人感到意外。此外，为了要达到他们对物质生活的要求标准，他们可以过着非常严格的规律生活，总是要设法维持家中窗明几净，一尘不染。跟他们朝夕相处的人，会很佩服他们的聪明才智，但又会无法忍受他们凡事都要追根究底的个性。迟早，他们都要学会“东西没坏，就不要去动它”这个道理。

　　缺乏安全感使他们疯狂地追求各种目标的实现。他们绝对有能力完美地完成计画，成功地举办各项活动。然而，就因为他们一直被公认为成功人士，他们内心的不安稳也就鲜少为身边的人所了解，总是孤单地独自忍受内心的煎熬。他们很少放宽对自己的要求，也不会去妥协理想，而这种巨大的压力往往是导致他们成功或失败的重要因素。

　　天秤一的人通常个性比较强，能够成大事、立大业。不过，他们也常犹豫不决，甚至会优柔寡断地花上好几年的时间来决定要做什么。有时他们甚至会投入极多的时间和心力在非建设性事物上，例如嗜好或友谊，导致没有充足的时间与精力去经营正事。总而言之，挑战越艰难，他们就越不愿放弃，越不想承认自己在浪费时间。

　　这一周出生的人情感相当复杂，通常给人一种冷酷无情的印象，但内心却潜藏着波涛汹涌、起伏不定的情感。他们不但将自己的内心世界包裹起来，同时也拒绝接受任何想拉他们一把的人。对他们而言，控制好自己的情绪一直都非常重要，因为他们担心有意识的自我控制，时间久了就会变成一种无意识的压抑，难以改正。要想了解这些令人着迷的人们的内心情感世界，恐怕就连他们的亲密好友，也得花上一辈子的时间。

　　然而，无法与人分享或谈论自己的内心情感，到最后仍然会危及各种情谊。与他们深交的人，刚开始必须很努力地要求他们将内心情感表达出来，甚至坚持要他们完全宣泄出内心的各种情绪，不管是好情绪或坏情绪，是快乐、高兴、喜爱，或是愤怒、嫉妒、厌烦、痛恨，统统都要设法摊在阳光下。一旦双方互相了解了彼此的感受，误会冰释，就能理性地加以讨论各自所关心的问题，不用老是回避。

　　常常摇摆于过度投入或完全没兴趣之间，也会对他们的人际关系造成不利的影响。例如身为他们的爱人或另一半，刚开始可能会很享受亲密关系的乐趣，但到最后却会因受不了太过亲昵而要求一点私人空间。此外，他们有时又会过份专注在工作上，使另一半觉得自己像没人要的孩子般，被完全忽略、丢弃在一旁。

　　这一周出生的人很会挖苦人又富机智，其方法包罗万象，但基本上不离嘲讽和讥刺。但是他们讽刺的目的绝不是要伤人或引人发笑，而是希望能发人深省。可惜的是，他们未必知道，自己的言论可能已经伤害到亲近的人。如果想和关心自己的人和平相处，最好学会用更有技巧、更温和的方式来表达心中不满，这样才会有完美的结局。

　　优点：有吸引力、严厉、冷静

　　缺点：犹豫不决、刻薄、压抑

　　建议培养自信心。批评别人时切记不要太激烈，小心被反咬一口。坚定自己的立场。克制自己喜好拖延的倾向，即使不如你意，也不要去干扰已顺利进行的事。错误有时也是游戏规则的一部份。

　　情侣：金牛座三、狮子座一、狮子处女座、处女座一、处女天秤座、天秤座一、天秤天蝎座、魔羯座三

　　夫妻：双子座一、巨蟹座二、狮子座三、处女座一、天秤座三、天蝎座三、魔羯座一、水瓶座三、双鱼座三

　　朋友：双鱼白羊座、白羊金牛座、双子座三、巨蟹狮子座、狮子座二、射手座三、魔羯座二、水瓶座二、双鱼座一

　　家人：白羊座三、双子座二、巨蟹座一、处女座三、天秤座三、射手座二、射手魔羯座、水瓶座一

　　同事：巨蟹座三、狮子座二、处女座二、天秤座二、天蝎座二、射手座一、水瓶双鱼座

Just woke up from a nightmare. I've been having this dream lately and it gets weirder each time. It always ends with me seeing the restroom door being locked from outside while Serene, another friend (can't rmb who but I definitely know her irl from a long time ago) and I are still inside. Then Serene suddenly disappears so thw other friend and I try to open the door and when it does, a guy grabs me, refusing to let go, then I wake up. This time, I woke up screaming a little...

The dream was so weird this time. 1st I was in the same restroom alone. It was being cleaned so I was about to leave when I dropped my calculator into a puddle of water. The cleaner continued to splash water at the calculator so I couldn't save it.She then splashed water at me and when I saw her face, she wasn't thatttt old but was fierce. Then suddenly there were little girls whom we brought to a children's home to play with the home's girls. We arrived early so we had to be separated from the. home's children with thid translucent curtain. We decided to wait outside of the home so we were in the front yard playing with our girls (they loved me) and a few dogs. Then suddenly more dogs appeared and there was this house next door with a swimming pool. I saw the owner and in my dream I doubtly identified him as Jack Neo but he wasn't. Then this brown dog stood up on his hind legs and wanted to play with me when I was suddenly in the restroom again. Only this time, it was dry and. with Serene and said unknown friend. The time with the calculator, home and blah didn't seem to exist. I was about to enter 1 of the cubicles to use a pregnancy test kid (wtf?) when I heard the toilet door move. I turn around and it ended like how I mentioned earlier.

This creeps me out for real. I dreamed of the same escape about 3 or 4 times now... the physics of the guy who stops me from escaping before the dreams ended resembles Big Bang's T.O.P a tad little. beat... but its a weird dream so. I'm not happy about that at all.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

I love my Kpop t-list ;_; We get each other's humour \o/

It's been 2 weeks but I still don't know what I meant by "you bulls" in my drunk post lmao.

I'm so tired... I wake up and less than 6 hours later, I feel like I'm gonna die.

Tomorrow's Father's Day. It's also another big day related to my father. It's gonna be an emotional afternoon.

Then drinking tomorrow night \o/ We've been feeling down lately so we decided to drink again tomorrow instead of waiting till the first Saturday of July. It's a Saturday so I can drink a little more freely. Epic night, I can't wait for you.

Mmmm but seriously, the drinking session on Sunday night was one of the best nights ever. I've never been so relaxed in front of people in such a long, longggg time.

Every first Saturday of each month, I look forward to them ^^

We're gonna stick to just 1 bottle of liquor now. Or maybe I'll just drink more 'cos I drank the least, lol.

Chivas + green tea is pretty good. This coming from a girl who hates green tea, lol.

And that night, I willingly told my mum that I love her for the first time in years. The last few times, she forced the 3 words out of me, lol. It's not that I don't love her, I just find it really difficult to say these words especially to the people I care the most. We were about to sleep when I told her, so she was like, "Why are you telling me this now? Is it the alcohol?" Maybe it was indeed the alcohol, lol. I could tell she was happy ^^ She's gonna wish the very first Saturday thing really takes effect so she can hear it more often lol.

I can't wait for NEPCON to be over, lol. Awesome that my cab fares home are paid by the company when I work overtime but I want to be on my own computerrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I'm so tired (T_T)

Since I'm still sober drunk now, I might as well take this chancge to be really truthful.

I don't like my poly life at all. I don't see my poly friends as anything much 'cos most of them are social butterflies while I keep to myself a jell fucking lot.

Even William said I'm too passive already, which is why I still don't have a boyfriend.

Who the fuck cares if I have a boyfriend anyway. Fuck men, go girl power.

I enjoyed my poly life more than I did my secondary school life. Secondary school was hell. Do you know how it feels like to be an outcast at 9? Do you know how ti fills ilek to be hated by the entire class at 14? Do you know how it feels like to be sucidal for years? Do you know how it fels like to imagine your blood flowing out through your wrists every single time you see them? Do you know how it feels like to imagine yourself dead with a pool of blood on the ground every tim you look down from at least the 2nd folrr? Do you know how it feels to be misunderstdoo so badly by someone you at least care a lil about? So misunderstood ththat we're not friends anymore? Like comeplete fucking ass strangerS? Even more strange than normal sranger?s

But strangely, I prefer my secondary school friends. I they know more about me though probably not much either. But I'm more at east with them. They are people I carely truly about. THey understnd me better than you bulls out there.

If you receive care fro me, even if a bit, fucking traasure it. I don't care about anyone and everyone. I only care if I see you as a good friend and maybe out of politness. 我是一个y感情洁癖的人。I classify and sperate my relationships very clearly in my heart.

Good night. I fucking hate work now. I don't want to be an adult. Being an adult sems really diffuclut. I want o stay a teenager forever.

"I'M FUCKING GREEN LANTERN!" - Kaijie. Lol. Every first Satursday of each month, we will drink like today but 1 less bottle of alcohol lol. It's the first time I drank so much but I'm the most sober. FUCKING SUCH THE LEMONS AND LIMES I GET YOU GUYS NEX TIME IDOTS.

Never expefted tonhght to be onew of myh best nights ever. TO YOU BOWAN WE COME~ ARISE BOWENIANS!